There’s been a huge shift in how we define “illegitimate children” or “bastards”; in the past, a bastard was simply anyone born out of wedlock. But considering it is the practice today for a couple to live together as though married despite not having gone through a legal ceremony, the earlier definition can no longer hold.
Most illegitimate children by today’s standards are born as a result of either an affair or underage sexual relationship. I for instance was conceived as a result of an affair. This particular group of illegitimate children will be the cynosure of my article.
Illegitimate children have occasionally gone by labels such as “love child” but a close examination of our history reveals that such children have always been subjected to psychological abuse; treated as outcasts by both their maternal and paternal families. The point of such measures was to discourage extra-marital affairs and prevent disruption of the family unit. The illegitimate child was regarded as the thing that could potentially split this loving couple.
In the past, illegitimate children had no legal rights to their parents’ estates. They often had no status in society because they were not allowed to take-up the family name. Expectant mothers were often concerned about getting married before the child was born so that the child would be considered legitimate and so that his or her inheritance rights were protected.
The father of an illegitimate child legally owed no duty of support for an illegitimate child or its mother. The child was considered the child of no one. This has since changed because today such a child is considered the biological mother’s child. This means that the child has a right to inherit property from his or her biological mother.
But even with all this progress and evolution in our cultural trends and practices, a lot of illegitimate children struggle still, to find acceptance from their paternal families, particularly their half siblings. Ancient prejudices against such children still shape much of our current family dynamics.
It is obviously acceptable and natural for illegitimate children to have psychological needs such as interpersonal relationships with their half-siblings. Research has however demonstrated that illegitimate children often struggle in this area both as children and in their adult life; the need to be accepted, the need to fit in, are some of the things that most illegitimate children have not successfully outgrown.
The Need to Belong
Research suggests that most illegitimate children crave fitting in above all other psychological needs. The need to belong with one’s family, sometimes referred to as belongingness, refers to our emotional need to connect with and be accepted by those we regard as family. Belongingness can be almost as powerful as the need for food. The need to belong involves much more than just knowing who your family members are. It means gaining their acceptance, attention, and support.
Because we live in a patriarchal society, our definition of family is somewhat skewed. In Africa, when one speaks of family, they’re usually referring to their paternal family. Very little regard is given to one’s maternal family. A good number of us have been conditioned to believe that being accepted by one’s paternal family gives you a certain level of validation in life.
There’s obviously nothing wrong with wanting to connect with your clansmen or half-siblings. However I believe that meaningful relationships should be a fruit of natural bonding not a result of some misguided need to belong.
Most half-siblings will not openly embrace a child that wasn’t bore by their mother; which is very understandable. Some case studies attribute this behavior to feelings of jealousy, envy and spite; half-siblings will usually show hostility and disinterest in pursuing any kind of relationship with the illegitimate child.
Coping with rejection
Although it is possible for children that have been branded as illegitimate to be accepted by their half-siblings and other members of the paternal family, such instances are very rare; they are rare because we are not naturally predisposed to embrace someone we regard as a rival. The natural and most common reaction is to turn your back on them and completely disregard their existence.
So what happens if you’re caught up in such drama? Do you cling on until your half-siblings finally accept you?
As Africans we need to embrace a very difficult truth; that our concept of family is over-rated. Your family are not necessarily your clansmen. Your family are your people; the people that have cared for you through life. The people that will show up for you when you’re in need. For me, those people have not been my clansmen. Its my maternal family. My uncles will show up for me any day.
It’s important for us to appreciate that not all relationships will satisfy our need to belong. A meaningful relationship needs to have certain qualities; a degree of stability, a bond of caring, and mutuality. Love can be very satisfying, but only if it’s mutual.
So if you’re an illegitimate child with a deep rooted need to connect with your half-siblings, you need to take time to assess whether or not that feeling is mutual. If it isn’t, then I would advise you take a step back because that would not be a healthy relationship.
Wrap-up
To use the word “bastard” or “illegitimate” in reference to children is to dehumanize them; it is a form of psychological abuse. Such labels put children in a state of shame and confusion. These labels incite the public to think less of children disadvantaged by circumstances over which they had no control.
It’s therefore important for a child to understand that they are in no way ‘illegitimate; only the relationship in which they were conceived is deemed illegitimate by society. Such affirmations are important for self-esteem during child development.
#stayhome #staysafe
