According to medicine, if you’ve miscarried two or three times in succession, the odds of you getting pregnant and carrying the baby to term are very slim. My partner had miscarried five times when she conceived our daughter Audrey. I kept my fingers crossed the whole time.
These tragedies hit us pretty hard but for some unknown reason, we never sought any professional therapy. We simply assumed that we would eventually outgrow the grief. We were wrong.
The relationship started to wither away one day at the time. But just when we were about to quit, she conceived. Everything changed after that; the mood in the house was now upbeat, we were doing shopping for baby stuff together and we would also attend the routine checkups with the OBGYN as a couple.
When the baby finally came, I was very excited. I was actually present in the labour ward when it happened (a huge mistake on my part). Our daughter has been a huge delight ever since. As is the case with most father-daughter relationships, she is the center of my universe; everything I do, I do for her.
But despite my infinite affection for her and desire for her to carry my name and make our family proud, I have come to accept the fact that she is not my legacy.
The greatest lie ever told, is that man is a biological being and as such, one of our core functions in life is biological reproduction. This idea has been engraved in our minds by our parents, society, and religion. We have been conditioned to believe that if we don’t reproduce ourselves biologically, then something is going to be lost.
Most of us have been told that there is only one way we can reproduce and that is biologically. That if we don’t have children, especially boys, then our genes will permanently die and our family line will be lost. It is believed that male heirs are necessary for preserving one’s genetic pool and extending the clan and tribe. To be fair, these are very reasonable arguments.
But the idea that biological reproduction is the only form of reproduction is merely subjective. There are so many other ways we can reproduce. Biological reproduction is a very limited paradigm. The reason we are so attached to biological reproduction is simply because of our cultural conditioning.
Reproduction is not limited to genetics. You’re reproducing yourself as you live your life. In fact, you can reproduce yourself better through your impact on culture and society than you can biologically.
Very few of us know about the children of Nelson Mandela or Chinua Achebe. In truth, we have very little interest in learning about their children or grandchildren. Our interest is in following their work and upholding the values they stood for. Chinua Achebe’s legacy wasn’t his children. It was his work; there is not a single African who’s gone through high school in the last 50 years, that hasn’t read “No longer at ease” or “Things fall apart”. These books are masterpieces. These men chose to reproduce themselves through their influence on society.
To have or not to have children
Most religious people view biological reproduction as a moral imperative; which is why some denominations preach against contraceptives. They believe in planning for the family but refuse to embrace “family planning”.
Also culturally, one’s family lineage is very important. The idea of passing on one’s genes is a huge obsession for most. An African man that fails to sire a male heir is not a “real man”; he is a disappointment to his clan and tribe.
A lot of couples that struggle with infertility are also faced with pressure from family and society to reproduce at all costs or something will be lost. I know because my partner and I have been there.
Such couples fear that their family lineage will be lost because of their inability to extend their line genetically. They feel their lives won’t count for much because of this and some resort to extra-marital affairs.
Obviously this is not a campaign against having children. As earlier stated, I love my daughter so much I would willingly die for her. If you want to have kids because you genuinely like having kids around the house, then do that. If you don’t want to have children and prefer to reproduce yourself in some other form, that too is okay.
If you want to have children but cannot because of fertility issues, this article will hopefully inspire you to understand that biological reproduction is actually the least important form of reproduction. Your family line can still be extended in so many other ways.
When you start to view your influence on society as a form of reproduction, then life will provide different opportunities for you to reproduce yourself.
You can write books, you can join clubs like Rotary and Lions, you can make good music, you can be a teacher (one that isn’t limited by classroom walls), you can be a public speaker…etc. Your influence on society will live forever but that may not be true for your genes; your genes will probably fade away within 100 years.
Why family lineage is a fiction
What really happens when you have children? Are children a replica of yourself?
According to science, your genes get diluted by at least 50% when you conceive a child with someone else. When you have grandchildren, your genes will then be diluted to 25%. This implies that your great-grandchildren will probably possess not more than 1% of your original gene, if you’re lucky.
So by the 4th or 5th generations, your gene will pretty much be obsolete. But the real question is, why do you believe your gene is so important and special that it needs to be passed on from one generation to the next?
There’s nothing special about your gene or family lineage. If your family lineage got extinct today, the world would still move on normally. The Medici family of Italy were a very powerful family in Florence. Their family line is now extinct but their name will live forever. Lots of books have been written and a few movies have been made about this powerful family, even though they have no living male heir.
So one wonders; if biological reproduction is not as important as we’ve been led to believe, then why the obsession with having heirs and heiresses? The answer is actually simple; humans are survival machines. One of the ways we ensure our survival is by attaching meaning to family and reproduction. Our survival instinct is responsible for our desire to reproduce biologically.
In Africa, we are extremely family oriented because it’s a survival mechanism. For the African culture to survive, for our tribes and clans to survive, we have to reproduce; otherwise the culture will get diluted and it will eventually disintegrate. This partly explains why some tribes in Africa are still opposed to inter-tribal marriages.
These attempts are no doubt noble. But they are futile nonetheless. Your family line will disappear eventually, no matter how much you strive to preserve it. Your conception of reproduction is limited if you’re only thinking of reproducing biologically.
There are so many ways in which you can reproduce, as already demonstrated. You can do all them, you can do none of them, and you can also do a couple of them. You can do anything your heart desires because there is no longer a box. Reproduction is no longer defined by traditional standards.
True reproduction means infecting something or someone else with yourself. Reproducing yourself in such a manner has a cascading effect on society and culture that will live on even after your gene has disappeared into oblivion. Don’t under estimate the impact you could have on the world.
Living a purposeful life is the best way you can reproduce yourself. The more impact your work is having, the bigger the footprint you’ll leave on culture and society. Your work should out-live your children and grandchildren; if it doesn’t, then there isn’t much of a legacy to speak of.
Your child and mine will die in 80 or 100 yrs but your contribution to society will be infinite. So find something you’re passionate about and make it your life’s work. I am a Systems Engineer by trade but that’s not my passion; working with computers is just something I do for money. My passion is to inspire and challenge people to think outside of conventional boxes. I hope to do that through my articles and I’ll probably shoot a few youtube videos as well. I also have a passion for good music; hopefully I will get myself a guitar and keyboard before the year ends.
Your biggest contribution to the world cannot be emptying your seed into someone else or receiving some else’s seed. Your legacy is what you’re doing with your time — I hope it’s worth a damn.
